My mate Pete turned 50 in May and refused point blank to have a party. What he wanted, apparently, was golf somewhere hot where nobody from work could find him. So three of us flew into Saigon with our clubs and a vague plan, and TGROUP sorted the rest. Five days, four nights, a driver who was never once late, and two proper rounds of golf.

I'll be honest, Ho Chi Minh City was never on my golf list. Bangkok yes, Danang maybe. That was my mistake, as it turns out. And instead of writing a day by day diary (the days blur together anyway), I've just ranked the whole trip. Counting down from five.

5The New World hotel

Five star, dead central, ten minutes on foot from Ben Thanh market. Breakfast has a pho station and I had pho every single morning like it was my job. My room's aircon rattled on the first night, I mentioned it at the desk on our way out, and they'd moved me to another room before we got back from dinner. It's the small stuff like that you actually remember.

4The city day in the limousine

Day three there's no golf. Instead you get a limousine van with massage seats (we felt ridiculous in it, and also refused to get out) and a guide who takes you wherever you fancy. We did the old post office, the war museum, which is heavy going but you should do it anyway, then gave up on culture and sat on tiny plastic stools drinking ca phe sua da. Iced milk coffee. Costs about nothing and it's better than anything I've paid four quid for at home.

3The round at Long Thanh

About forty minutes out of the city, 8am tee time, cold towels and cold water in the car both ways. The course is big and green and rolling with lakes everywhere, and the greens are quicker than they look. My caddie read every putt better than I did and by the sixth hole she'd stopped pretending otherwise. Lovely condition tee to green.

Fair warning though, by the back nine the heat becomes a real opponent. I played the last four holes like a man escaping a building. Take the early tee time they give you, and don't be a hero. Also the halfway house had run out of the grilled chicken thing our caddies recommended, which honestly felt personal.

2The food, all of it

Com tam, broken rice with grilled pork, from a place our driver swore by and would not be argued with about. Banh mi at nine at night because we could. One properly fancy dinner that still cost less than a mediocre pub meal back home. Three blokes eating everything in sight for five days and not one dodgy stomach between us, which I consider a small miracle.

1Teeing off next to a runway

Tan Son Nhat Golf Course sits right up against the airport. Thirty six holes inside the actual city. Our tee time was 7:30, and on the second hole I'm standing over the ball when an enormous plane comes over low enough that I swear I could read the writing on it. You'd think the noise would ruin the place. It's the opposite. Golf in the middle of a city of millions, planes floating over the palm trees, it's the most Saigon thing imaginable. I played rubbish and did not care even slightly.

Anything I'd change? Day five is a half day city tour before the flight home, and by then we'd honestly rather have squeezed in nine more holes. It's a private tour so they'll rearrange it if you ask, we just found that out too late. And bring more balls than you think you need. The lakes at Long Thanh are hungry.

Pete reckons it's the best birthday he's ever had, and he's a man who complains about most things. 9 out of 10 from me, and the missing point is for the humidity, which is hardly their fault. ★★★★★